be brave or be human?

There are those moments when someone starts hurting and you don't
know whether to be sympathizing with or strong for them. Be brave
or be human. Be optimistic or frank.
I'm laying on the floor in the dark OR room where Ansley is now
sleeping on the gurney after Dr. Bond cut out her angry, angry, angry
appendix. Kristen and I are getting ready to sleep here next to the
drain for the night. Ansley's breathing is saying, "whew. ah. I made
it through surgery in Chad with the lights coming on and off because
of lack of electricity and this crazy reality being worse than the
dreams I was having under ghetto Ketamine and spinal anesthesia." Exhale.
Somehow, Ansley has this way of getting herself to believe she is
not sick and setting the pain aside. For example: We were
horseback riding, galloping, and swimming in the Chadian river only
24 hours before the knife cut out the problem from her right lower
abdomen. We are all so grateful that things happened like they
did: Ansley feeling pain in the right place. Bouts of nausea in
the middle of the night. Leukocyte count elevated to 16,000 (high
end normal is 10,000). All of these things pushed Dr. Bond to do the
surgery. She couldn't have waited much longer. It was one BAD
piece of inner organ.
Before Ansley went into surgery she said she was just scared of
hurting during the surgery. She asked for us please to not let her
hurt. We see the anesthesia not working all that well all of the
time here in Chad. The doctor takes the knife to the skin and the
patient jumps because they are still a bit connected to their
senses. Then they have to give a little more of something. After
seeing this, and then knowing that you'd be in the same place, it's
hard to get your mind to feel peace going into surgery. Once you
are under a little bit, it's not like you can say, "Excuse me, that
scalpel hurts....I am still feeling....and I am going to need 50 more
mg of Ketamine...IV push please." No. She was going to be the
patient. I know she was really scared.
Nearing the end of the surgery, with her organs still being pushed
back in through the little incision, Ansley started wincing and
crying/moaning a bit. It could have been just the effects of the
Ketamine. But none the less, it's real hard to see your friend in
pain and not be able to change it. Especially when she asked you to
make sure she didn't hurt. She would move her fingers motioning for
us to take her hands and then when we did she'd squeeze
them. Fortunately, Ansley says she doesn't remember hurting during
the surgery. She does however remember her spinal anesthesia. She
is brave. brave. brave. What a tough girl.
She'll recover really well. Like I said, thanks to Dr. Bond, her
incision is really small and the surgery was really smoothly. She's
getting fluid IV right now (the dreaded IV! She hates them!) and
will sleep the next few days a fair amount. Keep praying for a
courageous spirit to be put inside of her. We love Ansley here. We
need her back in full. Love Emily