Hard

I used to look at clothes here in Chad and I
think, HOW in the world do they get so many holes
in them? They must be ancient! Holes
everywhere! Not just in places like the
neck-line or armpits where you would expect, but
holes smack in the middle; and lots of them! But
now that I've been here for 4 months, my clothes
are starting to get holes in them. Wear and
tear. Chad is hard on everything; including me lately.
The last two weeks have actually
been extra hard and I've found myself spending
more time away from the hospital and more time
with my African family. I also have found myself
calling home more often. I have just felt worn down.
After a particularly rough day,
Steffan and I decided to give the horses some
exercise. We started out through the village,
out the east exit. These little kids ran as fast
as they could to try to keep up. One little boy
ran out from his hut and was doing the horse skip
(you know the one little kids do), making the
clippody-clop sounds as his feet threw up poofs of dust.
There are a lot of mango trees here in Chad
(about the only green thing at this point) and
the trail out is lined by them. So as we are
riding, sometimes the branches hang low and you
have either dodge them or close your eyes and
turn your head so you protect your eyes. I saw
one coming up and went to do this, but at the
same time remembered that now there are very
hard, unripe, green mangos hidden within the
branches! I had a little moment of panic and
as the leaves brushed over my upper body I was
just WAITING in anticipation for a mango to hit
me right in the face or
something. Miraculously, I went through the
whole batch of branches and didn't hit a single
mango. The next tree I came upon caught me a
bit off guard. I wasn't paying very good
attention and soon I looked ahead and saw a huge
thick branch hanging low. Not just leaves…this
was the real deal. Just in time, I threw myself
forward onto the horses neck and we barely made
it under the limb. Yikers! It was really
close. I laughed out loud after, a bit out of
shock and a bit out of "Emily you are an
idiot…people only get knocked off their horses by
branches in movies. That was really close." I
could have been hurting real bad.
10 km later we arrived at another village named
Kalymaye. In Kalymaye, Steffan knew the pastor
so we went to his house. He brought us a bench
and let us tie up our horses. He was just
walking out some other guests so we waited. A
swarm of kids gathered around us finding seats
for themselves so they could have a good view for
staring. We hadn't thought to bring any water
with us and so Steffan asked for some. Soon a
kid came out with a bowl of water. It's like
gambling when you drink well water. But at this
point, our odds were better for survival if we
drank bad Giardia water than if we didn't drink
ANY. Soon our buddy came back and we sat down
for some good conversation. His wife brought us
tea. Another tea party. I love it!
We needed to get back…it was getting closer and
closer to sunset. We said goodbye but before we
could leave he insisted that he give us a bunch
of beans. He double bagged them but I knew they
were going to break out of the horrible plastic
once the horses started running. Sure
enough. Like five minutes down the road I look
ahead to Steffan and his horse and saw beans
flying out from either side! One boy took us to
his house and got us more bags for the
beans. We rode the horses hard all the way
home. It really boosted my spirits.
I had another especially hard
day. I can't explain everything that happened,
but all of it combined had left me in tears more
than once. I got home just drained. Esther (my
sister here), at first glance, was so perceptive
that my day had been a wreck. She just came and
grabbed my shoulders and asked me if I was
hungry. I wasn't really so she thought for a
second and then said, "Come with me." We started
walking and as we did some of the boys started
coming with us. Both of us turned around at the
same instant and threw our hands up in a stopping
motion saying, "GIRLS ONLY!" We looked at each
other and laughed because we were so on the same
mind track. We walked all these trails and she
let me vent a bit. Soon we arrived at her
friend's house. She was making supper but went
and got us a bench and brought us water. Then
she brought us some bread. So sweet. I knew
the little kids of the house. One of them is
this super stringy, big-mouthed, feisty girl
named Lucie. She started running her little
fists in circles and saying in Nangjere, "fight
me Emily, come on, fight me!" She'd crouch down
and scrawl out a boxing circle/ring. Right after
she had finished the circle in the dirt, she tap
her hand to the ground all threatening like and
said again, fists in the air, "Come on, fight
me." I told her I didn't want to make her
cry. I told her she was small….like a mosquito
and that I wasn't afraid. If anything could have
made me feel like tomorrow was going to be a good
day, it was this little rough and tough girl wanting to fight me. J
I'm really in love with the people
here, but the work is really hard sometimes
because I'm not fully trained and a lot of the
time I'm on my own to solve problems, in a
different language, with a lack of
knowledge. That, along with the sadness can
really take you down. Wear you down. Put holes in you.
I'm trying to figure out how you get
the downs to not bring you all the way down. But
at the same time, how do you stay sensitive to
value of life and yet not become a constantly
mourning person because of death? How do you
encourage parents to take responsibility for
their children's health and yet not be hard
hearted to someone who needs a break…someone who needs help with money.

How do you be content in a place like this?

Even as I wrote that last sentence
just now, I look at it and think, "We AREN'T
supposed to be content with a place like
this! I AM supposed to look forward to a day
when I won't see the hurting. For now though I
need to find a peace about it all though. That
would be nice. Thanks for EVERYTHING you guys
are doing back home. Your letters and notes of
encouragement help me so much. Thank-you! Love Emali