Emotions...

I feel a little like my heart has gone on a trip recently.   Like
someone played soccer with it and then rubbed it against a cheese
grater, and then gave it a nice warm bath and then gave it a birthday
party and then finished by making it run a marathon.    Things here
make me feel and think things that I've never thought or felt
before.  I didn't know I could FEEL like that.
It reminds me of the time that I played harp at a funeral right at
the head of an open casket. I played next to the body of a woman I
didn't know personally who had died of cancer.   I wanted to cry
while playing but I knew I needed to play.  I didn't know why I felt
that way since I didn't even know her at all.  It was such a weird
emotion.   It is a similar experience here of being flooded with new
emotions; some really happy, some really sad.
I bought my bike yesterday!   I'll have to send some pictures
home...it will be a while...don't get your hope up too
soon.  :)   But Taylor!  You would be so proud of me because this
bike was a piece of junk.   I have cleaned it all up and it's like an
awesome antique light pink bike.   New tires...pedals....seat.   When
I first brought it home, my family seriously laughed so much at
me.   The told me it was such a bad bike!   :)    Sabine laughed and
said, "I'm really sorry for you Emily."   :)   But then!    One of
the boys in my family went to the market with me and pretended the
bike was his so this white girl wouldn't get ripped off.   We got it
all fixed up and rode it home.   There are two really awesome parts
to my bike.  One is the bell.   Yep!  Mom you would love it.  You
love bells on bikes.   The other is the little platform on the back
where another person can sit and ride!   I'm going to take it to the
river all the time now.   There is one downside to the bike.   It has
no breaks.   It's not even like they are just broken....they just
don't exist.   :)   Of course chad is super flat so maybe I'm
safe.   But this is the reason for the bell.   Instead of stopping, I
simply ring the bell and everyone gets out of my way.   Breaks are
not necessary in Chad.   These small joyful things really shine up
this place that sometimes is so dark.

As I type now, it is Sabbath morning.  I just walked over here to
the middle house after the night shift and now I'm quite tired.  Our
whole church started walking to another village this morning.   I
couldn't go because I worked until 8 am and they left at 7.   But
this morning Ansley came to the hospital at 5 am and said that my
parents had called the phone that we share and were going to call
back soon.    She is the sweetest.   Seriously I'm so happy Ansley is
here.   Quite a few times it has been Ansley that drops by randomly
at my house just to check on me.   That first week when I was quite
discouraged and homesick here...Ansley was the best...and she
continues to be.  But I got to talk to my Mom and Dad and
grandparents.   SO  GOOD.  I had to say goodbye early because a lady
came in pregnant and unsure why she hadn't delivered yet.   I called
the lab to come do a HIV test.  This is something new we are doing
here for every delivery because the transmission can be
prevented.   Then we called the midwife.   She came and began using
the doppler to find the heartbeat.   Nothing.   Then she checked to
see how much the woman was dialiated and found the baby's head right
there.  The baby was dead the mother was having no contractions.  So
James came and they removed the baby that had been in the mother dead
for 3 days.  This was the woman's first pregnancy.  The family was so
excited as I talked to them before the midwife got there.   A hard
morning for this family.
I came home the other day and it was just the two little kids at
home.   Pabris (4) and Armelle (3).  So I got out my paint set.  We
set up a little art studio and they went to work.   I also taught
them two colors in English: yellow and blue.   It seriously took 30
minutes of asking them, "what is this?" and having them repeat after
me.   Yikes I hope it doesn't take that long to teach my kids to talk
someday.  :)   They were so cute though and now they say,
"Yellooooowwww" and it cracks me up.
Hospitality is huge here.   When someone comes into your courtyard,
you don't ask them who they are or what they want.   First you get
them a chair, bring them tea, and THEN ask who they are.  Pretty
neat.  The marriage customs are very interesting as well.   People
are very concerned that I am not married yet.  Most of them were
married by 15 and had their first kid thereafter.   You see, here,
boy meets girl, they like eachother, boy decides he wants to marry
girl, families MUST approve, boys father pays a large sum of money to
girls family, couple moves into the house of the father of the boy
where they live until father dies.   This assures that the father can
observe this new marriage and make sure that  boy treats girl right
and that girl supports boy and does her chores.  Interesting.  Noone
hugs here and as SM's we've made sure to give eachother an occasional
hug because we sometimes go for 2 weeks without one.  The men hold
hands here in friendship and at first I thought that sexuality was
quite a bit more jumbled here in Africa.  But now it has completely
taken on a new meaning.   Women and men don't eat together and the
other night I went to one of the other SM's house for supper.   I am
friends with the mother of the household and so when we all sat down
to eat, I thought she would join us.  But she only sat off to the
side until the husband decided to GRANT her permission to come and
eat with us.   Wow.
I'm still searching for the expression of love in this culture.   I
guess everyone holds hands in loving friendship.   But they don't
talk endearingly to each other, they don't hug each other, they don't
sit next to each other, you never catch them admiring who their loved
one is.   Where is the love?   I'm seeing it come out a bit
though.  It's just so different.  I am reading Inside Afghanistan and
John Weaver writes that the most important thing for helping another
culture is to understand what they already have in place.   We often
come to some situation and say, "Oh, well they are missing shoes," or
"they don't read to their children at night."  We think.  They need
what I have.  But the book talks about how in order to help someone,
you have to understand what their equivalents are.  They have
callouses on their feet unlike Americans (we scrub ours off with
rough rocks).  They lay under the stars with their children for 2
hours at night and bond like you've never seen.  Once you understand
what things are already working well for these people, then you can
see what things are lacking.   Differences are not necessarily deficiencies.
Adopting traditions!   I hadn't thought about this much before but
traditions can be very enriching to a family or city. Culture is
DENSE here.   Very preserved and honored.   Even the young kids
continue to keep the culture alive.   I thought to myself, "What is
my Wilkens culture?"  I remembered that my family used to light a
candle in a little mini church on Friday nights.  I remembered that
Christmas morning tradition says that everyone goes into my parents
room and opens stockings.  I thought about how both my grandmas run
their fingers over our arms until we fall asleep.  I thought about
how my dad eats orange slices on road trips.  I think I like culture
and tradition more now than ever.